


Neil Has Split - Oneshots

by AnonymousMothman



Category: Beverly Hills Chihuahua (Movies), Lemon Demon (Musician), Lemon Demon Musical Project - Neil Cicierega (Albums)
Genre: Beverly Hills Chihuahua - Freeform, Joke Fic, Lemon Demon, M/M, Neil Cicierega - Freeform, Other, also this is the first fanfiction i've published lol, honestly just reality TV but neil, oneshots, this is a joke pls dont take this seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26929141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousMothman/pseuds/AnonymousMothman
Summary: Backstory: NEIL USED BIG BRAIN AND WITH POWER OF SATAN AND ANIME SPLIT HIMSELF INTO MULTIPLE PARTS. NOW WATCH THEM ACT LIKE THEY ARE ON REALITY TV SHOW AND POSSIBLY FALL IN LOVE, HAVE FIGHTS, AND MAKE FRIENDS. THEY ALSO LIVE IN SMEXY BEVERLY HILLS MANSION AND BFFS WITH KARDASHIANS AND OTHER CELEBS.NOT MARY SUE CHARACTERS!! ITS JUST NEIL(also yes this is a joke fic dont murder me please)(and know that since this is written jokingly, and that i am new to writing, plot grammar and sentences might not make sense sometimes)
Relationships: anything i really want lol
Comments: 9
Kudos: 14





	1. WHere the hell have you been!!!?!?!!!!?!??!

**Author's Note:**

> Characters Included:
> 
> Neil Cicierega- The original Neil. Tired of the other Neil’s bullshit.
> 
> Alien Neil- Alien version of Neil Cicierega. Green skin, black eyes, but still hot hair. Wears alot of flannels and jeans.
> 
> Trend Neil- Fancy Neil. Born, grew up in, and forever will love Beverly Hills. Fashion taste is impeccable and always has an eye for good deals. 
> 
> King Neil- ALL HAIL. OBVIOUSLY BEST NEIL. FANCY CROWN AND HOT BOD.
> 
> Cottagecore Neil- Soft uwu boy Neil,,, don’t hurt him. Always wearing sweaters and making flower crowns for everyone.
> 
> Baker Neil- PIE FOR YOU AND PIE FOR YOU AND PIE FOR YOU. YOU GET A PIE AND YOU GET A PIE, YOU ALL GET PIES!!!!
> 
> Emo Neil- “It’s not a phase mom! It’s who I am!!” Edgy boy. Crushes on Shadow The Hedgehog.
> 
> Mom Neil- Picks up after everyone. Cooks dinner with Baker Neil. Head of the household next to original Neil.
> 
> Nuclear Dad Neil- “Honey I’m Home!”
> 
> Sitcom Neil- “Oh darndid!” *laughing record plays*
> 
> Dog Neil- WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK GRRR,,,, ARF ARF
> 
> Therapist Neil- His office is always open. And always busy. Great place to visit if you have been through a fight with another Neil, he has mints!
> 
> Anime Girl Neil- KAWAI DESU~~~^w^!!!! NEIL-CHAN, YOU MUST BE MAGICAL!!
> 
> Serial Killer Neil- Wait wha-
> 
> (Possibly more Neils to be added in the future?)

Alien Neil was sitting on the couch, playing Tetris on his GameBoy Color. He kept on trying to beat his score of 2344, but that was proving difficult as he wasn’t very good at the game. Every once in awhile he would catch a sniff of the dinner being cooked in the kitchen by Mom and Baker Neil, but it never really smelled appealing. Trend Neil was sitting across from him, talking loudly on the phone to his BFF, Papi from Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Alien Neil only caught slight drifts of their conversation but could make out some key phrases like “I HATE ALIEN HE IS SUCH A LOSER BUT NOT GONNA LIE HE'S HOT WHEN HE SLEEPS WITH HIS SHIRT OFF”. Alien Neil wondered what that could mean, but never thought of a definitive answer.

Alien’s thoughts, and Trend’s conversation, were suddenly interrupted by a door slamming open as King Neil and Serial Killer Neil walked through the door. Mom Neil walked out of the kitchen and looked angry as he began to shout. “You two have been away for NINE HOURS! TWO HOURS past YOUR CURFEW young man!” Mom shouted as she pointed at King Neil, who chuckled and looked at the floor. “We were just shopping Mom. Nothing bad.” Mom Neil walked over and smacked King Neil as he grabbed his ear. “NO TEEN VOGUE MAGAZINES FOR A MONTH!” Mom Neil shouted angrily as King Neil teared up a little bit. “MOM I NEED THOSE! HOW ELSE WILL I GET MY AWESOME ‘HOW TO GET A BOYFRIEND’ TIPS!?” King Neil shouted, which was promptly followed by a smack across his cheek and a “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Shouted by Mom Neil. King Neil ran up the steps crying and slammed his door dramatically, then screamed.

Mom Neil sighed as he looked at Serial Killer Neil. “You are more mature than him. You MUST look after him.” He said as he walked back into the kitchen to finish cooking dinner. Serial Killer Neil smiled and looked at Trend and Alien Neil, who were having a laughing fit on the couch. “You two must come and see my room. I’ve got some new experiments today and I think they would be fit for your styles.” Serial Killer Neil spoke with a low and monotonic tone. Trend and Alien Neil’s laughter was quickly replaced with excitement as they followed Serial Killer Neil up the steps to see what experiments he was pulling today.


	2. Cudding but NO HOMO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they fucking cuddle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this while procrastinating on schoolwork :p

(in the name of neil cicierega this chapter was such a disaster to upload)

King Neil sobbed in his room. “NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY!! MY MAGAZINES WERE TAKEN AWAY, MY DIGNITY WAS ROBBED AND… AND….” He tried to make up the words in his mind. “AND I’M NEVER GONNA GET A BOYFRIEND!!!” King Neil took the crown off of his head and tossed it onto his floor and buried his face in a pink fur pillow, decorated with cheetah print.

Much to King Neil’s surprise, his door was opened. “Neil? Or, excuse me, King. You okay?” a soft tone spoke. King Neil knew who this was and looked up to find Emo Neil standing in his doorway. He just went back to sobbing, but this time his head was out of his pillow. “NO I’M NOT!!!” Emo Neil closed the door and went to sit on the bed next to King. “Dude, MCR already got back together, it’s okay.” Emo Neil said. It was an attempt at a joke, but it didn’t help. “MOM NEIL TOOK AWAY MY TEEN VOGUE MAGAZINES FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH!!!” King Neil cried out. Emo Neil gritted his teeth. “That’s rough buddy. Anything I can.. Y’know.. do to help?” 

King Neil always found Emo Neil’s voice soothing. Instead of the stereotypical way you’d expect an already exaggerated stereotype of emos to sound, he sounded sweet, and quiet, and patient and oh my god King Neil has a crush on Emo Neil. Holy shit.

King suddenly, and without warning, wrapped his arms around Emo Neil’s shoulders and sobbed into his chest. 

“Ooookay, that's alot of emotional damage.” Emo Neil said while awkwardly patting King’s back.   
“Sleep with me.” King spoke.  
“WHaT!?” Emo Neil said while pulling back a bit. “Dude- I understand you're like sad or whatever but there is no way in the entire world I’m fu-”  
“I didn’t mean it like that you dirty minded jerk! I mean it like… cuddle me. I’ll say no homo.” King Neil retorted.

Emo Neil sharply inhaled. ‘It’s only cuddling. Couldn’t be that.. Bad…’ He thought.

“Fine. I’ll sleep with you. No homo” Emo Neil said, and laid down on the bed. King Neil allowed himself to fall into the arms of Emo Neil, and as you would expect, they cuddled.

Just two bros, cuddling together. One inch apart because they aren’t gay.

https://www.deviantart.com/anonymousmothman/art/no-homo-cuddling-862765540?ga_submit_new=10%3A1606794721 (this is the link of the image relating to this chapter because it wont let me embed >:(( )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY FOR THAT IMAGE BUT I HAD 5 MINUTES LEFT AND THERES NO WAY IM DRAWING IN 5 MINUTES SO I MADE EDITTttTT?????


	3. The Ultimate Showdown with homoerotic subtext

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil Cicierega cries on a couch

Neil Cicierega cried on the couch.  
Cottagecore Neil had Baker Neil in a chokehold. Emo Neil, Dog Neil, and Therapist Neil were surrounding a tiny table, which had a monopoly game board on it. Sitcom Neil and Nuclear Dad Neil were having a duel, with water guns, while Mom Neil cheered them on. 

Anime Girl Neil and King Neil threw punches at each other. Alien Neil and Trend Neil were having a heated argument over the phone, even though they were sitting about two feet away from each other. What about Serial Killer Neil? Sitting in the corner and diabolically laughing.

Needless to say, the homoerotic subtext in the room was thick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha GAY


	4. Ohh papi 😩

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday so I made a new chapter for ya'll :) sorry for not feeding you guys for awhile, please enjoy!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres an authors note in here somewhere and im sorry but its for lore

Neil Cicierega, y’know, the classic Neil, was just sitting down in the kitchen. It was 4:08am and he couldn’t sleep. Neil had many thoughts crossing his mind, and was just focusing on the noises in his head.

All of a sudden, Neil heard a noise behind him. “oHHH PAPI”.  
Neil jumped out of the chair, and started breathing heavily. That one noise had activated his fight or flight response. Neil looked around, and found the source of the noise. Serial Killer Neil was sitting in the shadows behind Neil.

“Dude, w-what the fuck!?” Neil said while gasping for breath. Serial Killer’s once large smile had turned into a frown. “Ugh, I thought you were dad.” Serial Killer Neil said.   
“W-w-which… which dad?”

Serial Killer Neil paused. ‘Damn, I can’t actually tell him, can I?’ he thought. “Uhh… Nuclear Dad?” Serial Killer Neil said with a slight quiver in his voice. “W-why… why do you call Nuclear Dad ‘Papi’?” Neil said while making quotes with his fingers.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh-” Serial Killer Neil’s long thinking noise got cut off by someone calling for him. “Serialll~~~ Where are you?” Serial Killer Neil stood straight. That’s not his… well… (A/N I’m not telling u this is actual epic lore I’ll write in later ;;;p)  
That was…. ANIME GIRL NEIL!

Serial Killer Neil dove under a table to hide. Anime Girl Neil came around the corner, throwing a cloud of dust in the air. “Oh! Hii Neil~~!” He spoke. “Hello..” Neil said while slightly getting a migraine. “Have you seen my babyy,,, he’s the murderer uwu!!1!” Anime Girl Neil said while striking a JoJo pose. Neil just silently panicked. “N-n-no… I haven’t. Go back to bed, my head hurts…”

Anime Girl Neil pouted and walked away, his long ass pink pigtails dragging behind him, and his maid dress blowing in the wind which suddenly came out of nowhere. Neil sighed and looked under the table.

“God I fucking hate straight people.” Serial Killer Neil said while crawling out from under the table.

“Oh, you want some breakfast?” Neil said while gesturing to the stove.  
“Nah, I got some work to do. See you ‘round noon.” Serial Killer Neil said while heading to the door.  
“Oh.” Neil said while waving goodbye to the murderer. Neil then put his head in his hands and sighed. “Maybe I should see that therapist now..”


	5. No, please don't commit an act of fucking arson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna make this an actual chapter but.. I'm tired and dehydrated. Might finish it for real later lol

Alien Neil sat on the couch, surprisingly, playing Alien Hominid for the Gamecube. He liked the game a lot. Trend Neil, on the other hand, did not. He started recently playing this game with rapping blue hair dudes and lemon monsters, plus a cool dude named Pico, but Alien didn’t care. He just wanted to play his own game and let Trend play his.

All of a sudden, a dash of footsteps and heavy breathing came down the large stairs. Therapist Neil was panting. 

“Haha, what, you just got kissed?” Trend Neil said while trying to make a joke, but Therapist Neil just shook his head.  
“DOG NEIL HAS A FUCKING LIGHTER-” Therapist Neil suddenly blurted out, making the ‘liveliness’ of the room stop, and die. Alien and Trend Neil looked over at Therapist Neil, who started to cry and panic. Alien Neil suddenly jumped up.

“Well, we should go get him, shouldn’t we?!” Alien spoke out, but Therapist Neil shook his head again.  
“HES A FUCKING DOG IM TERRIFIED WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID HE GET A LIGHTER” Therapist Neil sobbed.

Alien Neil and Trend Neil looked at eachother, then boom, the room blew up.  
Dog neil also had gasoline and explosives.

the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry
> 
> dog neil king all hail


	6. G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil Cicierega says the letter G

Neil Cicierega said G  
And ever since that fateful day

They all have been saying G

Nice grades? G  
Cool hair? G  
Good cooking? G  
Impeccable abs? G  
Not finishing a chapter of your fanfiction? G  
It’s all they said

And it was driving Neil mad.

One day, at the dinner table, things reached a peak point of mad.

Mom Neil had put down the salt, food, and other things. All of the other Neil's, besides Cicicerega, said “G” in an almost cult like way. Neil felt sick.  
All because of a stupid joke that wasn’t funny? All because of one letter? And now the Neil clones felt a need to say G?  
Neil began to feel dizzy too.  
The room was spinning as all conversation was replaced with the letter G. Neil felt his head pound and his chest tense up, and he knew he was gonna throw up, but he felt stuck. Like a tidal wave of G’s had tied him to his chair and forced him to look at the food and listen to the letter that made him sicker and sicker.  
And he did it.

Neil Cicierega threw up all over his plate of mashy tatoes, and everyone looked at him. They had gone silent.   
‘Did the classic Neil finally snap?’ a few of them thought.   
‘Is Mom’s cooking really that bad?’ another bunch thought.  
But one thought that was shared among them was ‘G’. It seemed appropriate. It seemed fitting.

Neil Cicierega tilted his head up again to see the clones staring at him. The clones he once knew and cherished as friends, now turned into G machines. And the last thing Neil Cicierega heard before passing out,

“G.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah :/ g


	7. It’s a catboy, Charlie Brown!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Neil’s buy a new pet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iM WRITING THIS AT SCHOOL DURING ELA CLASS SO SORRY IF ITS BADLY WRITTEN I HAVE OTHER WORK TO DO SMJDJD

Neil Cicierega slowly made his way up the mansion stairs and down the hall to the therapist's office. He desperately needed it.

Neil slowly opened the door and found… nothing. ‘Great.’ He thought. ‘Now I can't even talk to people when I want to.’ Neil Cicierega sighed and closed the door. He walked to his room, which was the biggest, and locked himself inside. He just… well I’d like to say he did something productive but he kinda just slept. Even when he heard the dinner bell and Mom Neil calling for him, he just slept.

Eventually, someone made their way up the stairs. They kicked down Neil’s door and whacked him with a plastic golf club. Neil woke up.

“Ow! Dude what, what the hell!?” Neil yelled, and looked up to find who it was.  
Serial Killer Neil stood before him, laughing. “Come on dumbass, we’re having guests over. You need to get downstairs before mom beats you.” He spoke. Neil jumped up and ran down the stairs, almost tripping on each step, and eventually made it to the dinner table. He sat down trying to catch his breath and excused himself.

Serial Killer Neil made his way down and sat next to Neil. Then, a noise rang out throughout the building.

Yelling, no, SCREAMING. Neil Cicierega jumped as all the other Neil’s burst into laughter.  
“W-what the fuck was that??” Neil spoke in a frenzy as Trend Neil replied. 

“We bought a fox. He’s in the living room.”

Neil looked around, trying to see any ‘we got you’ looks in the other Neil’s faces, but they all seemed genuine. Neil Cicierega sighed and walked to the living room, excusing himself again.

Neil looked around and… wait.. that’s not a fox.  
It’s a catboy.


	8. You are an idiot, hahahahahahaha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minecraft

Alien Neil shot up suddenly. His body was hot and he was panting.

Fuck, another nightmare.

He fell back down into his pillow and groaned. Why did he always have the bad dreams? Why were they always terrifying? Why did he have to read the hat fic?  
Whatever thoughts were racing through his head were soon lost as he drifted back into a dream, thankfully a peaceful one this time.

"ALIEN!! GET UPP!!!"  
Alien rolled over and groggily opened his eyes. First he has a nightmare, now he's ripped from a good dream. He could hear a faint noise with some music, but couldn't make out the words.

"What do you want? And why did you wake me up?" Alien spoke while looking at Serial Killer Neil.  
"Uhh... So Trend was borrowing your computer and downloaded free Minecraft and a cursor, and now.." Serial Killer Neil paused as he saw Alien sit up suddenly.

Alien Neil could now make out the words over the music.

"YOU ARE AN IDIOT"

Alien Neil jumped out of bed and dashed out of the room, down the hall, and kicked down Trend's door, Serial Killer Neil following soon after.

There he was. Trend Neil. The dumbass who now had a virus on Alien's computer.

Alien Neil walked over and snatched his computer from Trend's hands.  
"What the hell trend!? Do you know how annoying this is to get off a computer??" Alien half-shouted. Trend just looked up with wide eyes and spoke.

"Mynecraeft."

Alien Neil began to sob. Trend was doing the stupid thing again. Where he just spoke a word so wrong yet so right he... he couldn't handle it.  
Alien Neil fell to the floor, dropping the computer, and cried into his hands. Trend also hopped to the floor, and patted his back. Serial Killer Neil just sighed and picked up the computer, angrily trying to get the virus off the screen and off the computer.

"I'm sowwy for putting a virus on your computer, Alien." Trend Neil spoke.

"I fucking hate you. I'm headed back to bed." Alien responded while getting up and walking back to his room. While he was walking, he heard Trend one more time.

"Love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this on a phone notes app while pretending to be asleep so sorry if the formatting is weird. I know the last chapter was written in ELA class, inspiration for this just comes at the weirdest time.


	9. Oh boy it’s voting time (A/N)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuh

Okay uhh  
Who’s the fan favorite Neil so far? I want to write more chapters n need to know your favorite Neil so I can include him more. That’s all good day.


	10. Holy shit it’s Kim Kardashian (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part one of an epic tale to come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tHATS RIGHT IM ALSO WRITING THIS ONE AT SCHOOL, THIS FIME DURIMG COCIAL STUDIES SMJNJWDJNMDW

“Neiiiiil!”  
Neil Cicierega groaned.

“Neiiiiiiillllllll!!”  
Neil Cicierega groaned again.

“nEIL CICIEREGA GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE WE HAVE RICH PEOPLE GUESTS AND I DONT WANT TO LOOK POOR”  
Neil Cicierega angrily got out of bed and opened his bedroom door.

“Do I have to get dressed?” He yelled down the hall.  
“YES! ITS RICH PEOPLE WHAT DO YOU THINK??” 

Neil Cicierega groaned for a third time. He waddled to his closet and pulled out a nice coat and bow tie. He put them on over his sleep shirt and then slipped on some “clean” pants. He walked down the grand staircase and peeked around the corner into the kitchen. There were many of the clones, and they were all cooking. Trend and Anime Neil were setting up the table. Mom Neil rushed over to Neil Cicierega.

“Is that really your best coat? We’re meeting a rich person, not advertising a product on Shark Tank.”  
“I was t-“  
“I don’t want to hear excuses. Just go outside and greet the guest.”

Neil rolled his eyes but obliged. He walked out of the kitchen and to the front door, opened it widely and… holy shit.

A squeaky clean limousine pulled up in front of the house. The driver got out of the car and opened it for the passenger… it was Kim Kardashian!

Neil’s jaw dropped as Kim waltzed up to the house. She stuck out her hand.  
“I assume you’re Neil. I hear you are great friends with one of my bffs, Papi from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”  
Neil shook her hand. “That’s not me, that’s my clone Trend. You can meet him. Please, come inside.”

Kim took her hand away and walked into the open door. She looked around and smiled. “Nice house, Neil. I wonder how you could afford it considering your… current look.” She walked out of sight and into the kitchen. Neil just had his jaw open. First, he meets a major celebrity, then she gets him confused with one of his clones, and now she insults him?!

It’s not like Neil could do much anyways, it’s Kim fucking Kardashian. He can’t just call her out on that. He growled and shut the door, also walking inside. He heard talking in the kitchen and groggily walked towards it.

Trend was there, and was absolutely popping off conversation with Kim, while leaving Anime Girl Neil to make the table by himself. Neil could barely make out their conversation but heard she was..

“Kim! So nice to meet you! I’m a big fan of you and your sister's show!”  
Mom Neil walked up and gave Kim a hug, while she just giggled.  
“I’m glad to meet you too! Anyone associated with my friends is just about my friend too!”

Mom Neil smiled and pulled back.  
“Would you like to stay for awhile? We have a very nice guest room, it looks like a private suite!”  
“I would love to stay, thank you.”

Neil just gasped.  
Why do they have to keep having guests?


End file.
